Nobody

I feel depressed tonight.  Lonely.  It seems like everyone has a somebody but me.  I have Tim.  Tim…the guy I’ve known a year and haven’t even met.  Tim, the guy who won’t call me and will text 3 text messages before having to go do something super important.  I’m a fool right?  But a desperate one.  I’m so hungry and thirsty for love I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get it.  Or am I?  I don’t know anymore.  Nights are so lonely with nobody to hold onto, nobody to make love to, nobody to talk and laugh with, nobody to cuddle with, nobody–period.

Pride

I’m really worried about tomorrow.  I have to have more spinal injections.  This time they’re going to be in the facet joints.  I don’t know anything about it and I’m too scared to look it up because I’m afraid the pain’s going to be horrendous.  I know I’m being a baby, but I can’t help it.  I’ve been through so much with this back of mine.  My new boyfriend (!!!!) Keith is going to go with me…but I think it’s more just to spend the day with me than it is his realizing how terrified I am.  That’s my fault though.  I’m a pretty good actress and I’d rather laugh my way through things than ask for a hand to hold.  Aren’t we silly?  What’s pride when you really need comfort? 

I can’t sleep and he’s lying here snoring away. =)  I’ve never seen anyone fall asleep as fast as he does.  Is that an insult to me??  I’m afraid that he doesn’t find me sexy (not that there’s blame there).  He won’t even really touch me that much…including make love.  Today he said he isn’t sexy so maybe it’s about him and not me.  I need to find a way to bring it up because it’s going to bother me otherwise.  I guess that’s another pride issue.  I’d rather “keep” it than ask him if he thinks I’m sexy lol.  God.  What a mess I am.

Bluggy

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to remember the lyrics to a song you’ve worked so hard to remember???  DANG IT!

Things are going better around here.  I’ve had more and more paperwork from the Disability people to fill out and that’s positive b/c I never got that stuff before…I was just automatically denied.  So hopefully this time it’ll happen!!!!

Peaceful

Well I haven’t really checked in in awhile.  Things are going well.  I found a couch listed on craigslist for free and was able to get it.  It’s really nice.  And today I bought a tub full of dishes and stuff and only spent $5.  Then tonight, I found a vacuum cleaner and a TV by the side of the road and picked them up.  I don’t know whether or not they work, but hey, it’s worth a shot. 

Right now I’m just waiting for disability to go through.  Food stamps did and now we’re just waiting on the big one.  And I’m waiting for all of my tax stuff to get here so I can file.  I tried to figure out my return beforehand, and if I’m correct (which I’m probably not), I should receive around $1600.  That would be SO freaking awesome!!!

Other than that, it’s all peaceful around here. I’m going to sleep and then will try to remember to write again tomorrow.

The Light At the End of the Tunnel

I am feeling a lot better.  I’m going back to my Christian roots.  It seems to be a complete 180-turnaround, but you know what?  You have to do what it takes to get that healing…or at least to get that love and forgiveness.

My insurance has FINALLY become active!!  Yay!!  And some other GREAT news is that I went to get my Nexium filled.  It’s usually around a $40 co-pay but tonight it was free!!  I have no idea why, but I’m not one to argue lol.

So that’s it for now.  Just a quick post on how I’m doing.  You know, God truly is good.

Truth

I keep thinking of that kid that killed himself on his webcam while people watched him.  And I’m reading this book called The Pact by Jodi Picoult about a girl who wanted to kill herself and she had her boyfriend do it for her.  I could’ve done it.  But I would’ve taken someone….or more than one person with me on that road.  I haven’t driven there since.  When I do, will I always remember?  When I got out of the hospital I started going into mania.  I could feel it inside of me waiting to pounce out.  It’s like restless leg syndrome but in your whole entire body.  And nothing brings relief from that.  Now I feel the depression opening up again waiting to drag me down.  I have a friend who understands me.  Even the dark side of me.  We talk about our being together and him cutting on my body with a sharp razor blade…him tasting and sharing that which pours out.  And I think of that absolute release.  The release of cutting…that pain that makes you alive…and the sexual release…completely giving yourself over to another human being.  It’d be beautiful.  Not many would understand that.  Or how I sense things.  The darkness…the evil that’s inside of it.  There’s demons and evil and they want me and sometimes they win for awhile.  And sometimes I want them to win.  I want them to consume me whole because sometimes it seems that’s easier and more peaceful than fighting it off and showing the fucking neverending fake happy face.

..taken from “The End of Heartache” by Killswitch Engage..

In sorrow, I speak you name
And my voice mirrors, mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace,
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my,
Broken heart.
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I’ll be waiting,
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my,
Broken heart.

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace,
(I’ll be waiting) For the end of my,
Broken heart

Hell’s Fury

I had a rough two weeks.  Okay…I’ve had a tough year.  Let’s be realistic.  I think the breakdown has been coming for a long time.  My mother says it’s since I went to Ft Lauderdale to see an old friend.  I don’t know.  All I know is on the 6th it was the worst that I’ve ever been.  I was actively ready to end my life.  I’ve always had the fear of hell in me but this time even that was gone.  I came to some sort of sense though and ended up in the ER.  For now all I’ll say is that I’m doing better.  Not great–but I’ll get there.

Metal Forgiveness

It’s sad when your best friend is made of metal.  When you’re surrounded by people and well-wishes, albeit most are fake, but still your only solace is in that little piece of metal.  Only “he” can make you feel alive again.  He can show you that you’re really alive inside.  You haven’t really died…it just feels like it.  I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a cuse that I grew up Christian.  Hell.  Life on earth can be hell.  My life on earth IS hell.  Yet if you take it all away then you’re in the real hell.  And I don’t want that.  Right?  I keep listening over and over to “Nutshell” by Alice In Chains. “…no one to cry to, no place to call home…”  Do you know what a fucking slap it is to have somebody look you in the face and say, “Just get over it!  Say fuck it and it’ll be fine!!”  Don’t you think that if it were as easy as all of that I’d be in a perpetual state of happiness?  Or one of my other favorites is, “Don’t you know how many people have it worse than you do!?  Count your blessings and be happy!!”  LOL.  Damn.  The world is full of “Psychologists.”  Here’s a news bullitan:  Bipolar/Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorders are ALL medical illnesses!!!  I HAVE to have medication.  I HAVE to have treatment.  I HAVE to have support.  I didn’t ask for it and I certainly never wanted it.  If you had all of the emotional/mental issues AND the physical/medical issues that have been creeping up on me for the past several years, what the hell do you think you’d want to hear??  Get over it??  Or how about you go through everything alone and have no one go to the doctors with you, no one to check up on you unless if it’s to tell you to “don’t do anything stupid!!”  I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I feel bitter.  I feel so much anger and hatred inside of me.  And if I’d ever allow it to spew out it would only turn around and fall back onto my own self.  It’s always been like that.  It’s better to turn against myself than anybody else.  And what’s the point in pointing fingers anways?  In the end it always turns to me.  But I have my best friend.  And like I said, he will make me feel alive once more….until the next time.

Joys of Back Pain

On Tuesday I follow-up with my Neurosurgeon for my back.  I had fusion surgery at 2 levels (L4/L5 & L5/S1) on April 21st of this year.  God it was rough.  It still is.  I had a minor back surgery in April of 2006 (a Microdiscectomy) and the very next day I had my boyfriend at the time, Clint, take me to the grocery store.  So because that one was so easy I convinced myself this one would be too.  Hahaha!!  What an idiot lol.  It’s now just 7 months past the surgery and the pain is still pretty horrible.  I don’t know if it’s just pain that won’t be better from my back, pain from the actual surgery or pain because the fusion hasn’t taken.  I’m pretty worried about it especially now that I haven’t any health insurance. 

I went to bed a little earlier and was able to sleep about 1/2 hour.  Then I woke up due to pain down my legs.  It pisses me off when that happens!!!  It’s been like that the past several weeks.  I took an amitriptyline Thanksgiving Eve and it knocked me the hell out which was good b/c I could sleep regardless of pain.  It’s bad though because I can’t sleep my life away while I try to lose the drug’s effects.  So lately THAT’S the only way to get proper sleep.  So anyway, I woke up and was going to go ahead and do the grocery shopping (Walmart at 1:30 in the morning is the best place to be if not your own warm bed you know) but I couldn’t find the bank card.  So I found my Tiger Balm, slathered it on my back and bum and now I’m sitting here on the couch with the big dog, talking with my friend D and am thinking….you know….this Tiger Balm is some good shit!!  No it doesn’t take the pain away but it calms things down a little bit and frankly….I like that tingly feeling on my ass.  =)  (Sorry Mom if you’re reading this–but it’s true.)

So I suppose I’ll be up for awhile and in the morning I can do the official grocery shopping.  I’m going to shop around a bit for another ice pack and maybe some of that BioFreeze stuff.  I have to come up with something because the pain medicine is getting low!!!!

Now that I’ve filled your mind with all of that lovely info….I’ll go for now and leave you with this thought.  Do you think they call it Tiger Balm because it makes you sort of want to growl a little bit???

NO MORE GUYS!

I am so over everything.  You would think after 26 years somebody would learn her lesson.  She wouldn’t make the same mistakes over and over again.  Well obviously I don’t.  I can’t even count the number of bad–STUPID–relationships I’ve been in.  I’ve been married (which thankfully didn’t lead to kids), divorced and have gone through one guy after the next.  What the hell is it I’m looking for??  I don’t think it’s straight up admiration…somebody to do whatever the hell I ask of him–and more.  This last guy did!!  He was so annoyingly in my face and up my butt.  There was no escape.  It’s my fault though.  I let him come down here from Ohio.  I talked my parents into letting him stay like an idiot.  Then, when things didn’t work out, I broke it off with him and he went a little crazy.  He pounded holes into his computer monitor with a hammer, he hid Sneakie, he threatened to drive off a bridge, etc.  Then he agreed to being just friends but after he kept buying me SO MANY THINGS.  The plan was for him to go back to Ohio and anytime he got money he spent it immediately!!  Then I officially broke it off with him and he REALLY went crazy.  My parents gave him money to get back on and he left.  He’s called many times sense, his mom has called, his brother has contacted my mom via facebook and now he keeps leaving HORRIBLE status messages on facebook.  I had it coming though I guess.  I am such an idiot!!!  I am not dating anymore.  I am not going to try to base my life on some guy or find my happiness by some guy.  It’s time to learn to finally be content with me own self!!!  And if I can’t do it, then by God, maybe becoming a nun or some stupid other thing is the answer.  I’m done!!!