Metal Forgiveness
It’s sad when your best friend is made of metal. When you’re surrounded by people and well-wishes, albeit most are fake, but still your only solace is in that little piece of metal. Only “he” can make you feel alive again. He can show you that you’re really alive inside. You haven’t really died…it just feels like it. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a cuse that I grew up Christian. Hell. Life on earth can be hell. My life on earth IS hell. Yet if you take it all away then you’re in the real hell. And I don’t want that. Right? I keep listening over and over to “Nutshell” by Alice In Chains. “…no one to cry to, no place to call home…” Do you know what a fucking slap it is to have somebody look you in the face and say, “Just get over it! Say fuck it and it’ll be fine!!” Don’t you think that if it were as easy as all of that I’d be in a perpetual state of happiness? Or one of my other favorites is, “Don’t you know how many people have it worse than you do!? Count your blessings and be happy!!” LOL. Damn. The world is full of “Psychologists.” Here’s a news bullitan: Bipolar/Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorders are ALL medical illnesses!!! I HAVE to have medication. I HAVE to have treatment. I HAVE to have support. I didn’t ask for it and I certainly never wanted it. If you had all of the emotional/mental issues AND the physical/medical issues that have been creeping up on me for the past several years, what the hell do you think you’d want to hear?? Get over it?? Or how about you go through everything alone and have no one go to the doctors with you, no one to check up on you unless if it’s to tell you to “don’t do anything stupid!!” I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel bitter. I feel so much anger and hatred inside of me. And if I’d ever allow it to spew out it would only turn around and fall back onto my own self. It’s always been like that. It’s better to turn against myself than anybody else. And what’s the point in pointing fingers anways? In the end it always turns to me. But I have my best friend. And like I said, he will make me feel alive once more….until the next time.
…oh, and just a quick update…I’ve found that vodka and fruit punch do a fine job of numbing ALL pain. Maybe tonight I’ll sleep and tomorrow will have wisdom.