Metal Forgiveness

It’s sad when your best friend is made of metal.  When you’re surrounded by people and well-wishes, albeit most are fake, but still your only solace is in that little piece of metal.  Only “he” can make you feel alive again.  He can show you that you’re really alive inside.  You haven’t really died…it just feels like it.  I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a cuse that I grew up Christian.  Hell.  Life on earth can be hell.  My life on earth IS hell.  Yet if you take it all away then you’re in the real hell.  And I don’t want that.  Right?  I keep listening over and over to “Nutshell” by Alice In Chains. “…no one to cry to, no place to call home…”  Do you know what a fucking slap it is to have somebody look you in the face and say, “Just get over it!  Say fuck it and it’ll be fine!!”  Don’t you think that if it were as easy as all of that I’d be in a perpetual state of happiness?  Or one of my other favorites is, “Don’t you know how many people have it worse than you do!?  Count your blessings and be happy!!”  LOL.  Damn.  The world is full of “Psychologists.”  Here’s a news bullitan:  Bipolar/Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorders are ALL medical illnesses!!!  I HAVE to have medication.  I HAVE to have treatment.  I HAVE to have support.  I didn’t ask for it and I certainly never wanted it.  If you had all of the emotional/mental issues AND the physical/medical issues that have been creeping up on me for the past several years, what the hell do you think you’d want to hear??  Get over it??  Or how about you go through everything alone and have no one go to the doctors with you, no one to check up on you unless if it’s to tell you to “don’t do anything stupid!!”  I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I feel bitter.  I feel so much anger and hatred inside of me.  And if I’d ever allow it to spew out it would only turn around and fall back onto my own self.  It’s always been like that.  It’s better to turn against myself than anybody else.  And what’s the point in pointing fingers anways?  In the end it always turns to me.  But I have my best friend.  And like I said, he will make me feel alive once more….until the next time.

Joys of Back Pain

On Tuesday I follow-up with my Neurosurgeon for my back.  I had fusion surgery at 2 levels (L4/L5 & L5/S1) on April 21st of this year.  God it was rough.  It still is.  I had a minor back surgery in April of 2006 (a Microdiscectomy) and the very next day I had my boyfriend at the time, Clint, take me to the grocery store.  So because that one was so easy I convinced myself this one would be too.  Hahaha!!  What an idiot lol.  It’s now just 7 months past the surgery and the pain is still pretty horrible.  I don’t know if it’s just pain that won’t be better from my back, pain from the actual surgery or pain because the fusion hasn’t taken.  I’m pretty worried about it especially now that I haven’t any health insurance. 

I went to bed a little earlier and was able to sleep about 1/2 hour.  Then I woke up due to pain down my legs.  It pisses me off when that happens!!!  It’s been like that the past several weeks.  I took an amitriptyline Thanksgiving Eve and it knocked me the hell out which was good b/c I could sleep regardless of pain.  It’s bad though because I can’t sleep my life away while I try to lose the drug’s effects.  So lately THAT’S the only way to get proper sleep.  So anyway, I woke up and was going to go ahead and do the grocery shopping (Walmart at 1:30 in the morning is the best place to be if not your own warm bed you know) but I couldn’t find the bank card.  So I found my Tiger Balm, slathered it on my back and bum and now I’m sitting here on the couch with the big dog, talking with my friend D and am thinking….you know….this Tiger Balm is some good shit!!  No it doesn’t take the pain away but it calms things down a little bit and frankly….I like that tingly feeling on my ass.  =)  (Sorry Mom if you’re reading this–but it’s true.)

So I suppose I’ll be up for awhile and in the morning I can do the official grocery shopping.  I’m going to shop around a bit for another ice pack and maybe some of that BioFreeze stuff.  I have to come up with something because the pain medicine is getting low!!!!

Now that I’ve filled your mind with all of that lovely info….I’ll go for now and leave you with this thought.  Do you think they call it Tiger Balm because it makes you sort of want to growl a little bit???

NO MORE GUYS!

I am so over everything.  You would think after 26 years somebody would learn her lesson.  She wouldn’t make the same mistakes over and over again.  Well obviously I don’t.  I can’t even count the number of bad–STUPID–relationships I’ve been in.  I’ve been married (which thankfully didn’t lead to kids), divorced and have gone through one guy after the next.  What the hell is it I’m looking for??  I don’t think it’s straight up admiration…somebody to do whatever the hell I ask of him–and more.  This last guy did!!  He was so annoyingly in my face and up my butt.  There was no escape.  It’s my fault though.  I let him come down here from Ohio.  I talked my parents into letting him stay like an idiot.  Then, when things didn’t work out, I broke it off with him and he went a little crazy.  He pounded holes into his computer monitor with a hammer, he hid Sneakie, he threatened to drive off a bridge, etc.  Then he agreed to being just friends but after he kept buying me SO MANY THINGS.  The plan was for him to go back to Ohio and anytime he got money he spent it immediately!!  Then I officially broke it off with him and he REALLY went crazy.  My parents gave him money to get back on and he left.  He’s called many times sense, his mom has called, his brother has contacted my mom via facebook and now he keeps leaving HORRIBLE status messages on facebook.  I had it coming though I guess.  I am such an idiot!!!  I am not dating anymore.  I am not going to try to base my life on some guy or find my happiness by some guy.  It’s time to learn to finally be content with me own self!!!  And if I can’t do it, then by God, maybe becoming a nun or some stupid other thing is the answer.  I’m done!!!

..That Special Feeling..

There’s just something about the Holidays that makes you feel like a child again.  Or at least WISH you were a child again.  Tonight I’ve made Adam bring in one more box of my Christmas decorations, I’ve made up a list of cookies and cakes I’d like to bake and I’ve thought about the different gift I can possibly make for my loved ones. 

 If you know me, you know how insane I can get when it comes to Christmas!  I don’t know how many times I’ve come up with party plans, seating charts for Grandma’s house, a plan of action for unwrapping gifts, HUGE lists of everyone to buy gifts and send out cards to and so much more.  I can’t help it though!!  I love the feelings that fill me up around this time of year.  It’s like my mind says it’s okay to relax and let go of pain, depression, anxiety…..”life.”  The Holidays are the time when it’s okay to be a kid again; when magic comes to life; when family and friends reconnect and exclaim HOW MUCH you look like your mother!!  =)

So here I sit on the family room couch listening to Adam snore beside me and I wonder….are 8 different types of cookies REALLY enough for everyone in mind??

Holiday Magic